“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)