If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
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If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
The biggest mystery of our time
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps