Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.