This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.