Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
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My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Worth remembering.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Lassie, get help!
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.