My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Bill is short for Billiam
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson