babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
This cat wants you to take your pills
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Many hands make light work
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
*frowns in Scottish*
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.