Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.