Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
this will hang in the louvre one day
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.