My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.