[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly