Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
That’s it.I’m out.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off