I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.