ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.