choose your gary
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
choose your fighter
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Hotels are back
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.