Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work