I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]