So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
You Might Also Like
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.