Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You Might Also Like
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
the prophecy has been fulfilled
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5