Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
#dnd #ttrpg
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?