Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My brain is a bad influence on me
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*