[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]