You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
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The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*