pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
You Might Also Like
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Velcrow
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period