I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
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*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists