Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…