You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close