OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“We will wed,” I threatened
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries