Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
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[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.