growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
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[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss