This will never not be funny 😭
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Okay me first
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I identify as an antique shop.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally