Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
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The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
you stereotypes are all alike
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
can’t believe I got front row seats
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.