i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.