Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
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INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.