The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Mission: Impossible
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.