In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
You Might Also Like
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
somebody come look at this
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.