Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?