YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
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not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
How to woo a woman
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty