“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Body by sandwich.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af