Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
You Might Also Like
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
all bases covered
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?