Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
happy valentine’s day to me
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit