Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
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Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️