Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
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My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH