Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
estão todos miauvindo?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.