“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.