Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
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If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
lmao
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Last-minute gift idea!
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok