You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future