IT’S-A ME,
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My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Think I pulled my liver
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Whisper out to librarians!
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”