a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
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I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*