I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Candles never taste the way they smell
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical